How to Be Like Donald Trump

You've seen him on TV. You've heard his voice. You've yearned to touch his comb-over. The one. The only. The Donald. A God among men, he is revered and worshipped for his financial acumen. How then, can you, a mere mortal, become like the myth?

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Be Like Donald Trump

Inherit money. The Donald likes us to believe he built his empire out of sheer tenacity, but nepotism is the name of the game here. Hopefully your father has a successful business called The Trump Organization that you can join after attending business school!

Speak loudly and proudly and with a monotone. Practice your speech patterns as if you were a robot with a blown circuit. Believe that the man who speaks loudest, wins.

Date women your daughter's age. Know that they love you only because of your money. But you're okay with that, because you're only dating them for their looks. Hell, if you wanted intellectual stimulation, you'd date Hillary Clinton.

Keep the comb-over. Disco may come and go. Leg warmers, too. But the power of the comb-over remains. Bow down!

Become a shill for mediocre products. Attempt to sell men's ties, steaks and bottled water all in an effort to attain Global Dominance.

Invest in the power of one name. Whether he gave it to himself or not, the moniker of The Donald sticks with us. His name begets recognition like Sting, Cher and Snuffaluffagus.

Get into public spats to keep yourself in the news. Call a woman a slob. Act in ways that your own wife would find suspect.